When your life gets crowded with things that were never meant to become your life.
I had sat on this blog for a few weeks. When the lunar eclipse happened, it just felt like my energy was running in many different directions until I called it back. This morning, my alarm went off at 4:00 a.m. I did what any reasonable woman would do and negotiated another twenty minutes with God. By 4:31 a.m, I was dressed, Odin was leashed, and we were outside walking through the dark. I started walking him early to get a jump start on my day, beginning with movement and breath. It was a route we walked countless times before. Nothing extraordinary or breakthroughs waiting underneath a streetlight. No perfectly curated sunrise or some dramatic revelation delivered from the heavens. Just me, my dog, my walk, and the cool fall morning air; along with my mind, with thoughts that had been far too crowded lately.
For the past several weeks, I had let work and other people's situations take up an unreasonable amount of space in my head. Conversations, decisions, others' inaction, opinions I couldn't change. Things said in rooms I wasn’t in, things I should do, things that "might" or “might never” happen. I carried all of it long after the day ended. And somewhere along the way, I realized something:
"These people were getting entirely too much of me for... free."
Not my labor; they pay me for that. They were getting my attention during the parts of the day that belonged to me: my mornings, my evenings, and my peace. And that last revelation hit me; I was robbing the very thing I have fought so hard to protect...my peace. It’s my ability to be fully present inside my own life and say, “Girl, what do you want to create next?” It was an expensive revelation. So, this morning, while Odin and I walked, I made a decision. I called my energy back. I refused to rehearse another conversation to find reason in it. I refused to analyze another person’s motives as to why I did or did not agree with them. I refused to give another minute of my peace to circumstances I could not control.
Instead, I talked to God. I talked to the universe. And eventually, I talked to myself. I can do hard things, and I can change my life to reflect the reality I chose. I can strengthen my body and can clear my mind of the noise. I can build the business that has been calling me to lend my voice to help others, even when it feels like an echo chamber. I can become more financially free and choose the life I want to wake up to every morning without someone telling me how I should spend my day. I can learn another language to build connections with people who are different from me. I can take better care of myself and smile in the mirror, knowing the ancestors blessed me with divine presence. I can walk into rooms where I am received instead of spending my life trying to convince rooms and people that they should receive me (Man, I need to shout that for the folks, IN THE BACK!). And perhaps most importantly,
I can stop confusing endurance with assignment.
Because being capable of carrying something does not mean I am required to carry it, period. That realization has been following me everywhere lately. A friend grieving the loss of her mother reminded me that grief doesn’t cancel living; she needed me to hold space and be present for her in her life. Another friend navigating her own health challenges reminded me that health must come before achievement; she needed me to hold her in prayer, yet allow her to participate in service as much as her presence would allow. Someone I love reminded me simply: “Health is Wealth; we are not getting younger; we need to be around long enough to see how big this life can get.” And my enormous dog reminded me, mostly by staring accusingly at the leash, “Let’s go, Momma, patrolling the royal grounds and bunny enforcement requires order!” Apparently, everybody had received the memo, except me.
So, during my walk and following that decision, I am choosing to lock in for the next four months. Not disappearing or punishing myself. Not embarking on some frantic reinvention project because I suddenly decided the woman I am isn’t enough. Quite the opposite…I’m returning to her. I’m drinking the water, taking early morning walks, and doing strength training because, damn it, I want my 54th year on this planet to remind me – I still got it. I’m continuing the Spanish practice I’ve maintained for nearly a year. I'll keep creating for Sacred After because it has meaning and purpose for me. Also, I am paying attention to what I consume, what I carry, what I entertain, and who gets access to my energy. And yes, there will still be champagne. I have a birthday coming; let’s not become unreasonable…
We spend so much time trying to change and control circumstances when, at times, it may just require us to be present and choose another way of being. Sometimes the most powerful thing we can change is simply where we place our attention. Some things require us to watch, listen, and breathe, and to let people reveal themselves. Then choose to participate or to continue walking your own path.
I choose to continue to walk my own path.
